Gordon: Now that the weather's warming up, are there any new additions to your wardrobe?
Dallas ladies have always considered me to be something of a clothes horse, probably because I have free T-shirts from almost every kind of business. Plumbing supply companies, strip mall pizza joints and local bands that broke up in the '90s vie to be represented on my lethally handsome chest. I wear the clever free T-shirt with unmatched style, but warmer weather requires something that shows off my guns with a little more authority. So that is why I wear used sleeveless wedding gowns.
I have found that nothing says "I am mentally unstable, so avoid eye contact" than the sleeveless wedding gown. I also find that attractive young mothers herd their children away from me as I confidently stroll the summer beach in my feces-stained gown, mascara dripping down my crying face, and holding an empty dog leash. Their repulsion arouses me. But hey, I'm just like everybody else.
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